Good Bye from Cleo Patra ~

Hi everyone.  I'm very excited to tell you that I am starting a new blog today and I hope you'll follow me over.

My new blog is http://thegirlwhonotices.wordpress.com.  Hopefully this link will take you there:  The Girl Who Notices. 

I appreciate all of you who have read my posts, especially those who have taken time to share your comments with me and I'd love to hear from you again.

Ciao! xoxo

Weight Problem

I love idioms and think about them a lot.  Today I was thinking of the phrase "carry your weight" in the context of the workplace and people doing their share.  But what does that really mean?  Is there an implication of proportionate contribution depending on your position or level of experience or is there an expectation that everyone contributes "equally" ... if that is even possible.  Wait a minute ... DO I HAVE A WEIGHT PROBLEM?

With my team at work, there are many situations where I feel like I carry the weight of the world upon my shoulders and I become critical of the people around me when I feel like they do not carry their weight and especially if their lack of planning or attention puts additional stress and pressure on me.  These situations make me feel weighed down and I find it difficult to work cooperatively and to support others as I should.

It's impossible for me to doubt others without also doubting myself.  Often I worry about my own weight.  Am I working hard enough?  Am I supporting my team enough?  How do I know if it's enough? Most importantly of all, how do I take weight off my mind?

Without question, there is dead weight in the workplace but what good does it do to obsess about that.  I feel like I need to relax and take some weight off my feet ~ stop focusing on who is or is not carrying their weight and instead just stay focused on the weight I can carry just by doing my best every day, supporting my team to the best of my ability and forget about the rest. It really just takes too much energy to deal with nonsensical yardsticks.

There is no point to throwing my weight around ~ I cannot change and can hardly influence what's happening around me; it's just noise.  What I have come to realize is that the biggest weight problem is waiting for people to change because PEOPLE DON'T CHANGE so it's time to block out the noise.  Also it is important to acknowledge that along with the dead weights, there are also heavy weights making contributions and working hard.  It's so easy to focus on what's wrong and fail to notice what's right and there certainly are people doing the right thing.  As for me, I AM doing the very best I can.  I AM constantly striving to improve and be the best me that I can be ... AND THAT my friends, is definitely worth it's weight in gold.

White Picket Fence

I wonder how many people are actually living the life they dreamed of.

When I was a young girl, I dreamed of living in a white trimmed red house with a white picket fence.  I dreamed of a beautiful wedding with a big white dress and many bridesmaids.  I dreamed of a loving husband and lots of children.  Based on the dreams of a young girl, I am absolutely not living the life I expected.  In fact, not even one of these dreams have become my reality.  So I'm left to wonder ... what ever happened to the white picket fence?


Life is full of challenges and I have been surprised many times, not knowing what was around the corner waiting for me.  But it's through these challenges that I developed strength in character and determination.  If everything came easily, I wouldn't have to learn how to adapt, be creative and how critical it is to just keep going.

The biggest surprise for me has been the tremendous amount of loss experienced in a person's lifetime ... and I haven't even lived that long yet.  What I've learned about grief is that it can be overwhelming and consuming; it's like waves.  There are quiet calm periods; there are times when the waves are steady and persistent; and other times you can be surprised with a large wave that will simply knock you off your feet.  I have found that it is very difficult to manage grief and not let it take over my life; to recognize that it is a part of my life but not my entire life.  Easier said than done.  I'm still learning.

The white picket fence that had painted in my minds-eye as a young girl is not important to me today.  I don't know when that happened, when my priorities changed but I do somehow feel a sense of loss that absolutely NONE of my childhood dreams have been realized.  But there are also some really fabulous aspects of life that I never contemplated as a child. 

The greatest joys in my life have been found in the places I least expected: my daughter's smile, the reflection of the moon, a friend's understanding, the quiet of the morning, the warmth of a sunny day, or the beauty of a sunset.

Tis true, life has turned out nothing like what I expected.  Life is much more difficult, much more complex and yet so much more rewarding than the superficial life I imagined.

To Thine Own Self Be True

In this era of self discovery and self improvement, we are not only encouraged but mandated to identify and examine our flaws.  It does not take us long to find out we have problems, we make mistakes and then we make a daunting list of every thing we want to change about ourselves.  We feel inferior.  We feel broken and we attempt to FIX ourselves ... CHANGE ourselves.  AND sometimes through this process we forget who we really are, we forget the amazing things that make us unique and special.

I believe in learning and growing as an individual.  I believe in investing time in figuring out who we are and what path we want to be on.  The danger, I find, is in letting ourselves fall into an identity of being broken, problematic, troublesome.  We try to turn ourselves into someone we were not meant to be and we chastise ourselves for not being willing or able to change.  Do we really need to change ourselves into an entirely different person or do we just need to tweak a few things about ourselves?

 I have felt really lost and broken, damaged beyond repair and I have been doing a lot of searching.  What I have found is that I have created this identity for myself of being a dilemma, a problem to be solved, a person who makes so many mistakes, a burden.  Along the way, I somehow forgot that I also have some really unique and "awesome" characteristics until just recently I was reminded by my daughter who wrote me a list of "Specifically Awesome Appreciations That is Mum".  In this list she reminds me that it's not only just okay to be me; I am appreciated and loved for exactly the person I am right now.

Yes, I will keep studying those roadmaps, learning and growing but I will also remember to maintain the qualities that make me authentically me.  Shakespeare said it best "This above all: to thine own self be true."

It's a question of character

Hello friends.  I've been neglecting my blog as I have been busy working away on the restoration of my soul.  I am pleased to tell you that the restoration process is going well and I'm ready to blog again.

I have had some heaviness in my heart and my soul lately as I feel I am being judged by those around me both personally and professionally.  Maybe I'm always under the microscope of others but the soul restoration work has led me to be more sensitive to it.  I don't know.

Today, I had a bit of an AHA moment though as I came to ask myself "Perhaps it is me who should be questioning the character of those who have come forward to question my character?" and even more importantly "Who should I allow to be in the position of power to judge my character?"

The soul restoration process has involved

 #1 establishing a mission statement with values I will live my life by and 

#2 setting rules and priorities that will enable me to live my life in accordance my mission and values.  

In this new world order, am I not holding the gavel myself rather than allowing others to sit as judge or jury over my character?

It does not feel good to be judged or criticized by others especially if you happen to care about them and maybe even value their opinion.  But life is a tough gig and frankly I'm tired of being so hard on myself.  Instead, I'm working on accepting myself ~ strengths and weaknesses all in ~ and showing myself compassion.  So after a long thought provoking day, I've decided to remind myself that I am okay with who I am, I am proud of my character and strength.  I, in fact, am enough.  

forgive [fəˈgɪv]

I've been thinking about forgiveness a lot lately, it's part of this Soul Restoration process ~ they tell you to forgive everyone, YES EVERYONE.  There have been numerous studies that have shown that people who forgive become less angry, feel less hurt, are more optimistic and become more compassionate. This all results in a reduction in stress and physical manifestations of stress.  Based on this, it sounds like forgiveness is something you actually do for yourself and not for others.

I recognize that I do not have a forgiving heart and that is something I want to change about myself.  I can intellectualize that people who forgive are happier and healthier than those who hold resentments.  The trouble is, I don't really understand forgiveness.  What does it even mean? How do you actually forgive?  Is forgiveness necessary?  I did some research on the internet machine to get some more insight and perspective;  what I learned has actually really helped me understand what forgiveness is and even more importantly what forgiveness is not.

Forgiveness IS the process of concluding resentment, indignation or anger.


Forgiveness IS NOT excusing the behavior or actions of others. I think my biggest struggle with forgiveness has been the feeling that I am condoning hurt others have inflicted on me.  What I am coming to see though is that it's not about saying you are okay with what happened or that you agree with it, it's about letting go and moving on.
 
Forgiveness IS NOT forgetting or wiping the slate.  As Arthur Schopenhauer has said  "To forgive and forget means to throw away dearly bought experience."  Forgiveness does not mean you erase the past, or forget what has happened; all it means is that you are letting go of anger and pain and moving on to a better place.

Forgiveness IS NOT about reconciliation.  We have to make a separate decision about whether to reconcile with the person we are forgiving or whether maintaining distance is a healthier choice for us.

Forgiveness DOES NOT have to involve any interaction at all with the person you are forgiving.  It can be simply something that changes in your heart or for those who require something more tangible, there are several symbolic letting-go rituals that can help with the process. For me, I feel like it will be cathartic to write letters to express all of my feelings and explain why I need to let go and then I plan to have another burn party.  Last week I had an anger burn party where I burned some cards and letters that that were causing me anger.  This week I am going to have a forgiveness burn party where I burn the letters of forgiveness and release that into the universe.

Now that I have dissected and analyzed this concept of forgiveness and have been able to differentiate what it is versus what it is not, I believe that FORGIVENESS IS POSSIBLE and even further that forgiveness will change my life. There are people I will find hard to forgive, it will be even harder for me to forgive myself but I know it's time to really let go of the past and focus on the present.  I'm moving on.

Maximum Inefficiency

I am generally hesitant to actually give advice to others, especially on my blog; however, I am so confident in my ability to be in efficient that I am making an exception.  Over the past two days, I have been frantically cleaning, organizing and preparing for my Aunt to visit and even though I've know about this for a very long time, I left everything to the last minute and tried to cram way too much in leading to a lot of aggravation and frustration along the way.  So here I'm going to share with all of you my top 10 inefficiency tips, Letterman style.

Before you get started though, be sure you pick the right project because in order to ensure maximum inefficiency, it should be a project that you really do not want to do (like cleaning your house), if you enjoy doing something it can be more difficult to truly be inefficient. 

Tip #10. Set your expectations high, so high that given the time and resources you have the task is virtually unachievable.

Tip #9. Be tired before you start.  Be exhausted if possible.  In fact, don't take care of yourself at all.  Don't shower.  Don't eat.  It's important that you start off in the correct state of mind.

Tip #8. Feel sorry for yourself.  Convince yourself that everyone else on the planet is having so much fun and that they all have so much more help than you do.

Tip #7. Incorporate distractions ~ tv, music, telephone, texting ~ whatever distracts you most will do.

Tip #6. Create extra work as you go ~ spilling, dropping, breaking.  It doesn't matter what just as long as it creates chaos and/or frustration and is quite difficult to clean it up.

Tip #5. Keep supplies like cleaners and paper towels and especially the garbage can in a separate area from where you working, on an entirely different floor if you can.  This way you will spend lots of time and energy running around the house.  If you are inconsistent with where you keep it, you can also waste a lot of time looking for things which is excellent in this process.

Tip #4. Don't finish anything the first time around.  For example if you take dishes out of your bedroom, don't take them to the kitchen and put them directly in the dishwasher.  Maybe make a pile outside your door and then add an item to your list to take them to the kitchen later.

Tip #3. Plan a LOT.  Make lists and plan out how long you think every task will take, make schedules for yourself and repeat this process often throughout the period of time you are working on this project.  Some people underestimate the importance of planning to the inefficiency process but trust me, it works.

Tip #2.  Add in extra projects, especially ones you've been avoiding long term and aren't very important at this moment.  This can include things like washing blinds, cleaning the dust in the tiny little fan ducts with a cotton swab, clean out and organize your pantry, sort shoes.  As long as the task has minimal impact on the final outcome then it qualifies under this category and will assist you in prolonging your project.

Tip #1. And my number one tip for maximum inefficiency is to spend a lot of time thinking about how you will blog about the experience.   Try to do this in the final hour or two of your project deadline.  Distracting yourself from the task at hand when you have the least amount amount of energy and highest level of stress is sort of like icing on the proverbial inefficiency cake.

Please remember my friends that creating maximum inefficiencies in your day-to-day life is a process, it will not happen overnight.  You must practice and hone these skills but if you stick to it, I have confidence that you too one day may be as inefficient as me.

Defying Gravity

 Everyone deserves the chance to fly!

This weekend we went to see the Broadway Musical 'Wicked' as part of my plan to add more enjoyment into life.  It was such a great play and there is something really special about sharing these experiences with my daughter and creating forever memories.   

I think the song "Defying Gravity" could be my daughter's theme song ~ it is about taking chances and not playing by the rules of someone else's game or accepting limits.  I admire that about her.  From a mother's perspective, it can be scary sometimes but I still think it's much better than living life in fear and not taking chances.  She's only nineteen years old and already she has participated in a 6-month volunteer program; she has traveled to many areas of Canada as well as South America, the United Kingdom and Europe.  Her world is so different than mine was when I was that age.  

Sometimes it seems like our roles are reversed because it feels like I learn more from her than she could ever learn from me.  Who knows, maybe some day I too will try defying gravity?  It's not too late even for me.  Certainly I am blessed beyond words to have her in my life and all I ever hope for is for her to be happy and have all she's ever wanted. 

♪ I hope you're happy right now ♪

 

Closing for Restoration

These past few months I have felt like I'm unraveling and I don't really know why.  It seems to me that I have been in survival mode for so long, doing superficial type "upkeep" but the damage caused from the trials and tribulations of life is severe, perhaps unrepairable.

It makes me think of a house that has suffered fires, floods, wind storms, wear and tear.  The house has aged more than it should for it's years but it has also endured more.  From the outside everything looks okay; certainly the surface work done has kept it presentable, mostly to avoid complaints from the neighbors.  The debris has been removed, walls have been painted, floors have been covered over, weeds have been killed and the lawn has been mowed.

 Underneath all of that, who really knows how bad it is.  What's the condition of the plumbing and wiring?  Are there cracks in the foundation?  Is it even worse than that; has toxic mould spread throughout?  The true damage is really unknown to the casual observer.

How important is the truth really?  Can a person indefinitely hide what's really going on underneath that tough exterior that they've worked so hard to achieve?  I have a lot of questions and very few answers.


Some time ago a random message was sent to me via facebook; a daily truth from the Brave Girls Club.  Starting with "Dear Weary Girl ... " and ending with "Everything is going to be okay, it really is.  You are going to make it.".  Whoever wrote this message knows me, I don't know how they know me but they do and their messages reach my heart.  I was so positively affected by it that I signed up for the daily emails.

From there I found a course offered on the same website called Soul Restoration and it was like they were describing me and my worn down house that I had been imagining over the past few months.  I procrastinated for a few weeks but today I finally signed up.  I believe this was sent to me for a reason, I simply don't believe in coincidences ... not to this extent.  I do feel totally disconnected and beyond repair.  I don't necessarily believe that a six week course can restore my soul but I'm willing to try.  I am joining the brave girls and I am closing for restoration.

Wish me luck!

Versatile Blogger Award

 The rules of the Versatile Blogger Award are:
 
*Thank the person who gave you the award and link back to them in your post.

*Tell us seven things about yourself.

*Award fifteen recently discovered new bloggers. 


 I am very honored to receive this award from Busy Mama.   Thank you for reading my blog and for providing me with encouragement and feedback.


Seven Random Things about Me (no particular order):

7. I am a self-professed nerd.  I love to read and learn.  If I'm going to do something, I want to do it well ~ with perfection if possible:)  When I am interested in or fascinated by something, I want to research or study it in pain-staking detail.

6. I love coffee and candy.

5. I am color-blind.

4. I have been single for so long now that I can't even remember what it feels like to be in a relationship.  I'm mostly okay with that; relationships scare me.

3. Chinese Astrology fascinates me, I'm not sure why.  I first started studying it on a beach in Mexico a few years ago.  I was born in the year of the metal dog ~ it makes sense to me or it helps me make sense of me I guess.

2. I used to think I was a reluctant extrovert but I have learned that I am actually an introvert.  I enjoy time with friends and social gatherings but it drains my energy. I need lots of time to myself and am only truly refreshed by alone time. 

1. Authentic relationships are the main priority in my life.  I treasure friends and family who are loyal, sincere and genuine. 

I really have not read enough blogs to have15 bloggers to pass this on to but I do follow six blogs that are very deserving of this award:

1. Of course I have to pass it back to Busy Mama for Wendy Can't Cook.
 
2. Busy Mama's has another blog Who Took My Last Cup of Coffee.  It's just real writing about real feelings and real life.  One of my favorite posts is Broken Homes and Fairy Tales.  Check it out!

3. A Gorgeous Life Happiness 101 for Perfectionists is such a great blog.  It's refreshing, upbeat and sure to entertain you.

4. If you want to try some amazing German recipes from an amazing German woman check out Black Forest News.

5. I was introduced to Brene Brown via a facebook link to one of her videos.  She speaks of the value of mindfulness, authenticity and vulnerability.  If you want to be inspired, check out her blog Ordinary Courage.  I especially encourage you to read her post on Authenticity.

6. I just recently started following a blog  Life is Beautiful written by an amazing woman who writes from her heart. 

I really enjoy writing my blog, it has proven to be a great outlet for expressing my feelings and life experiences.  I have also found that through this blog I have connected with some pretty amazing people as well ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

Virtually There

Our world has changed dramatically with every person having internet access at our fingertips.

Social media in particular has changed our lives.  It's so amazing how we can virtually know people all over the world without ever leaving the comfort or safety of our own homes.

I have found that genuine human connections can be found through the magic of facebook ~ where people join pages for shared goals or ideas, mostly with no intention of ever physically meeting.

One miserable day when I was googling "can't cope", "hopeless" "my life is chaos", I stumbled across Flylady.net Your personal online coach to help you gain control.  She helped me baby step my way through the days and slowly develop routines and start to feel like life was more manageable.  A year or so later, I found flylady on facebook.  I thought that I found here an alternate way to access this household management program but instead what I found was love, support, encouragement and some of the most amazing women I've ever known.

I look forward to catching up with my flysisters and I genuinely care about how they are doing.  I am happy to offer my encouragement and delighted to receive their encouragement in return.  So how can this be?  How can I feel so connected to these women I've never met?  We share a lot of our lives, perhaps we allow ourselves to be more vulnerable and open from behind the keyboard.  I know that can be more difficult in face-to-face situations where you can't simply shut down and walk away when you want to.  Through the flylady facebook page, I have found genuine human connections that I cherish.  Isn't that amazing!

This blog has been another outlet for me to express my true feelings and I have been simply blown away by the response.  Friends can read my blog and be virtually connected to me even when the craziness of life doesn't always permit them to physically be here.  Family members can get to know me from afar.  It makes me happy when friends and family take time to read my blog and give me feedback.  I guess it helps validate my feelings and this form of expression.  One of the biggest complements I've had is "you inspire me".  Me? Inspiring?  It's such a relief to know that people can not only accept but they can appreciate all that I think and feel.

The truly unexpected yet amazing part though is when a connection is made with a virtual friend or even a virtual stranger.  I am unbelievably touched when someone I've never met, responds with "hugs" or messages me "I know exactly how you feel" or sends me a link because they think I will benefit from it's wisdom.

I feel blessed by many people in my life.  Some of them, I do not see and I may never meet them but without question, they are virtually there.  Thank you❤

I'm loving angels instead

Saturday mornings I always looked forward to talking to my sister.  She was the one person in the world that I could actually talk to about anything.  We would talk about our lives ~ work, relationships, friendships, family, psychology, physiology, life, death, joy, pain ... anything really.

Today is Saturday and I really wish I could talk to her.  There is so much going on in my life and I feel lost; I miss her a lot.  She was such a big part of my life, I guess it would be strange if I didn't miss her.  I was cleaning house and listening to music when the song by Robbie Willams came on "Angels".  The song is about the thoughts that loved ones that have passed on come back and take care of us.

I wonder what Debbie would tell me if she were here.  I wonder if she is here with me somehow, looking after me ... like she always tried to do.

♪And through it all she offers me protection
A lot of love and affection
Whether I'm right or wrong

And down the waterfall
Wherever it may take me
I know that life won't break me

When I come to call she won't forsake me ♪

... I'm loving angels instead

The calm after the riot

I'm in Vancouver on business this week coincidentally arriving the day of the 7th game of the Stanley Cup playoffs. What I really wanted to do was hide in my room but instead I decided to embrace the moment and join in on the excitement. I went about half hour before the game started, there was definite excitement in the air. Everyone stood and sang the national anthem, it was really quite touching. Hard to imagine that these will be the same people completely trashing the city in short order.

Watching the game at Canada Place with thousands of people was quite the experience. It was interesting to witness the growing frustration and gang mentality that was developing as the game progressed. Near the end of the second period, the vast majority of the crowd was shouting out "boston sucks" and buzz of the rioting to follow was already starting. Why is it that people think rioting is an acceptable response to losing a game? It is still a game after all isn't it? Immediately after the game, downtown Vancouver did not feel like a safe place to be. Part of me wanted to stick around to see chaos continue to unfold but the risk manager in me decided the wisest move would be to return to the safety of my hotel room.

This morning I woke up early and went for a walk back to Canada Place. It's a beautiful morning here in Vancouver, the sun is shining and the brisk morning air feels good as I walk and think ~ enjoying the calm after the riot. The crowds have all gone home, or to jail and peace has been thankfully restored.

I've been reading about reactive patterns in every day life. Aaron McNaught has written a book called 'Waking Up to the Heart of Care'. He says each person has their own triggers that cause us to react with distorted meaning, intense emotions and impulsive actions. An important part of opening your heart is recognizing what your triggers are and then manage your patterns with 4-steps (1) Attention = mental response of being entirely in the present moment (2) Breathe = breathe through the emotions & allow them to dissipate naturally rather than resisting them (3) Relax = physical response (4) Allow = recognize the moment just as it is, without your belief that it should be otherwise. Obviously this would take a lot of practice but I think the advice is practical and I want to try it.

In thinking about my triggers of fear, rejection and critism; they seem cliché but yet I know they are real and my reactions to these feeling can be very dramatic. Imagine there is an
alternative to the way for me to live my life. Imagine there is a healthier way of processing and managing my emotions. I'm starting to feel more optimistic about this next phase of my life. I am looking forward to continuing to enjoy the calm after the riot.

Reasonable doubt

Trust is a difficult thing for me.  I don't trust people very easily and I don't often give the benefit of the doubt.  When it is reasonable to doubt a friend?  An outright lie makes it easy but what about an omission?  Omissions make me extremely suspicious, especially when I follow the path of omissions and they lead me to that scary placed filled with reasonable doubt.

When I was in high school I had only one friend, Charlotte.  I had transferred from private to public school and moved to a small town where everyone had been together since Kindergarten.  I felt like an alien, I didn't fit in, I didn't understand their world.  I was endlessly bullied and harassed but I did have this one friend and she stood by me even though it clearly wasn't cool to do so.  I looked up to Charlotte, she WAS cool and we were inseparable.  We spent all out time together.  We talked about anything and everything.  We even got our first boyfriends around the same time, lost our virginities around the same time and both moved away from home the summer before grade 12.  Our plan was to move in with our boyfriends and have this "couple" friendship.

Well Charlotte moved in with that first boyfriend who she soon married and had a child with.  I deviated from the plan and moved out on my own.  We grew apart for a period of time but happily found our way back to our "couple" plan two short years later when my daughter was born and we lived in the same apartment complex.  Over time I developed doubts and suspicions about Charlotte.  She was too flirtatious with my boyfriend but I convinced myself that I was simply insecure and jealous.  Unfortunately I was right to distrust her and I was crushed when she proved herself to be the person I secretly feared she was.

Why did this girl who faithfully stood by me in high school betray me now?  I've never been able to understand and I never gave her the opportunity to explain because for me, there was no acceptable explanation and the friendship was over.  Just two years ago, I got a phone call from her sister, she was asking me to attend Charlotte's funeral.   I said I would go, I wanted to go but I didn't want to go and ultimately I did not go. 

Forget about high school; fast forward a million years ... well maybe not a million, about 20 years actually, but it feels like a million.  I'm not the same geeky social misfit with just one friend; I'm funny girl ~ not everybody's friend but I have a few precious friends.  I select my friends carefully; I treasure loyalty and trust.  I have one close friend who I spend a significant amount of time with and lately I have had trouble trusting her.  It's nothings she does or says but it's the occasional thing that she fails to say that causes me worry.  I don't know for sure whether she is being haunted by Charlotte's ghost or if she will also prove herself to be the person I secretly fear she is.  Is history repeating itself OR am I foolishly ruining a friendship over historical insecurities and doubts?

It feels like we had this strong connection and unbelievable friendship but there have been things here and there along the way that have stirred fears and anxieties within me: nothing big, nothing earth shattering but nagging doubts. I'm trying to practice loving with my whole heart but I haven't been, not in this friendship.  If she's worthy of trust than I am certainly not being the friend SHE deserves.  Is the friendship wrinkled like the paper or broken like the glass?

I like things to be clear cut: black or white, right or wrong, yes or no.  I don't like living with doubt, whether its unreasonable or reasonable, it doesn't feel good.  As I sit here, there's a voice telling me that the easiest thing in the world would be to write this friendship off and walk away, just cut my losses.  There's another voice, an unfamiliar voice of reason, telling me that real long-lasting friendships are not easy because people are complicated ~ we all have stuff going on in our lives ~we are all burdened by our baggage that we carry ~we are all imperfect. 

I am going to take a chance.  I am going to keep my heart open to this friend.  And I am going to work on being the best friend I can be.  Maybe I will get hurt, I guess there is always that chance, but then again maybe I won't.  Maybe this friendship will be worth it and I won't know unless I try.

"The truth is rarely pure and never simple".  Oscar Wilde

Go There

This weekend I went somewhere I have not been willing to go for a very long time.

When my daughter was small (K to the end of grade 3) we lived in the apartments by the river; it's a mediocre building but a very convenient location and walking paths all around.  I went through some difficult times when we lived there so I literally have not gone there since we moved.  It's in a central part of town so yes I've driven by but I haven't spent any time there or even thinking about being there.

I listened to this video clip of Brene Brown called The Power of Vulnerability; in the video she said something that triggered an 'AHA' moment for me ~ "you cannot selectively numb your feelings".  When you numb fear, guilt, grief and despair; you also numb joy, love, happiness and gratitude.  This made me realize that my unwillingness to think or feel the pain associated with that time in my life also meant that I was unable to remember the love and happiness that I felt as a mother during that time.

When I pulled up in my car, I tensed up, held my breath and braced myself for the pain and anxiety that was bound to follow.  Mylo and I got out of the car, I took and deep breath and just kept putting one foot in front of the other.  And then a strange thing happened ... I was okay.  The sky was blue with fluffy white couds, the grass was greener than I remembered and the air was fresh.  As I walked along the path, I smiled as I remembered having picnics with my daughter beside the river, countless walks along the beautiful paths and the sound of her laughter as she played outside our patio door.  We had a lovely apartment and many good times, many amazing memories.  I've wasted too much time regretting the mistakes I made and allowing them to over-shadow the rest of that life which really was quite amazing.  I'm glad I was finally willing to go there and I wonder why it took me 10 years.

I guess I'm just ready now ~ ready to face my fears, ready to embrace my truth.  If you haven't seen her video clip on www.ted.com, I strongly recommend it.  I really enjoyed it and in fact, I'm going to take some more advice from Brene Brown (also from the video) and I hope you do too...

Be seen for who I really am 

Love with my whole heart

Practice gratitude

Believe I am enough

The heart of the matter

I continue to be in this place of self-evaluation and I've had to face some rather unpleasant realities about myself.  While I do give and feel love where I feel absolutely safe, I can be rather closed-off and cold.  I've spent many years armoring myself in preparation for the next battle hoping to protect myself by not caring too much, not getting too close and only truly relying on myself.  If I expect nothing then I won't be disappointed ... right? 

Self-protection is really all about fear and fear really is a waste of precious time. 

Recently my brother was outfitted with a PICC, it's purpose is to protect his heart from infection.  It made me think about how I have attempted to protect my heart from rejection and hurt.  I've allowed my fears to keep barriers between me and people I really care about.  I've withheld love because I was afraid to expose my heart and be vulnerable.  I hold grudges because feels less risky to write someone off then give them another chance.  When I feel like I'm getting too close or starting to trust someone too much, I back up and close off like a snail retreating into her shell. 

If I continue to keep to myself and withhold the goodness in my heart, will I die with a heart full of love un-given? 

Recently I've been opening up more and talking about things I've been afraid to talk about.  The problem with avoiding discussions and hiding feelings is that it has the opposite effect that you are hoping for; it makes them bigger rather than making them disappear into the darkness.  Perspective is made possible by opening up, shining light on them and even seeing them from someone else's point of view. 

This week I also made an apology to someone I really care about.  I was afraid to reach out to her for fear of how she may respond and I was pleasantly surprised by her willingness to open her heart to me and generously accept my apology.  It was such an incredible feeling and I could feel my heart warm.  I wish I hadn't waited so long.

We all have enormous capacity for love, it's a gift to give not keep.  I learned a lot about love from my sister, Debbie.  She was generous with her love to me and those around her; I remember saying at her funeral "just as iron sharpens iron; love sharpens love".  The more love you give, the more love you feel ,and the more love you have to give.

Change is scary, it's uncomfortable but what's even more scary is not changing.  I'm glad I can see myself more clearly now.  I'm grateful that I have the opportunity to be more open, more giving, more forgiving and more loving.

Get out of the mud!

My sister said that depression is like slogging through really deep mud and you don't even realize how taxing it is until you get out, or more likely get into a slightly less dense area of mud.   I've been in the mud for a while now, too long; I can't remember when or how I got here but I feel better this week, lighter and brighter somehow.  Possibly baby step by baby step I've inched my way through all that heavy mud to firmer ground.  I'm not entirely sure if I'm out or on a reprieve but I'm not about to look a gift horse in the mouth ~ I'm enjoying this place!

'The Spirituality of Imperfection' by Ernest Kurtz is a book that I bought over 10 years ago when I was recovering from an eating disorder and severe depression.  The book is well worn, with a lot of dog-eared pages and almost the entire thing is underlined.  I revisit it's wisdom often: I've benefited greatly from the book over the years. 

No matter how many times I have read the last page, it gives me chills because it reminds me that recovery is possible and it's worth it but it's hard.  The passage is known as the promises and I have recited this line over and over to myself.  "If we are painstaking in this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are halfway through."  Kurtz adds to the promises "If we learn to accept our imperfection with humor, as a reflection of our very humanity, we will experience humility and tolerance, we will understand that we are already filled with forgiveness, we will see the gifts in our lives, we will be free - free not so much from fear or dependence but free for love, for life itself."

I've noticed that I have a tendency to make things too difficult; I over-think, over-analyze, over-research, get caught up in my perfectionism and underestimate the cumulative effect of the little things.  Just getting off the couch and going for a walk or spending 15 minutes tidying the kitchen after dinner or just "not talking" one time when I think of saying something unkind.  Even taking 5 extra minutes to put night cream on my face before going to sleep.  I don’t know what is around the corner tomorrow, next week or next month but I am happy that at this moment, everything is okay. Hopefully down the road, when I'm once again crossing the mud bogs, I can remind myself that the little things really do count.

The imperfection of happiness

I haven't blogged in a while. The truth is that I read over my blog posts and feel like a miserable failure. You see, the point of my blog is to find something good in every day and in retrospect, I see I'm really not doing a very good job of that.

Today at the bookstore I spotted a book called 'The Happiness Project'; i picked it up hoping to be inspired. I just finished reading the first chapter and I couldn't help but smile as I related to this woman's perfectionism getting in the way of her happiness project. She kept running up against paradoxes, coincidentally the very same paradoxes that baffle me:
*I want to change myself yet accept myself
**I want to take myself less seriously and also more seriously
***I want to use my time well but also spend more time wandering
****I want to think about myself and forget myself

After reading these, it's not hard to imagine why I feel lost, confused and discouraged; yet, I don't want to let my perfectionism to get in the way of my pursuit. Sure my blog is a bit of a downer but they did pass my own positivity test at the moment I posted them so perhaps that's good enough for now. My drafts folder is evidence that they don't all make the cut. 

Like the woman in the book, I am not seeking the secret to happiness; I simply want to be happier. Unlike the woman in the book, I am not preparing for adversity; I'm attempting to recover from it. Clearly I won't always get it right but what I will do is keep trying, keep looking for something good in every day and I have a feeling that I just may find it.

Welcome Back

I love the sound of birds singing in the morning. I think it's time to start sleeping with the window open so I can wake up to the crisp spring air and the melodic sound of the birds.

This evening when Mylo and I went on our walk I was surprised by how quiet it was.  How lovely it is to live in a part of the city where the sounds of nature are not drowned out by the sounds of crowds and traffic.

The last couple of days I felt like I was once again staring in one of those depression hurts commercials so I'm glad I was able to drag myself away from the sofa to enjoy this lovely evening.  Looking at the robin, I was wondering how I could stop this recurring role I have in this depression and then it came to me ~ STOP AUDITIONING! 

I wonder about the effectiveness of "fake it until you make it".  I've always been an advocate of being genuine ~ what you see is what you get but that seems to be the very thing that has kept me in this funk for so long.  If I stop acting and talking like a depressed person, they certainly won't have me in their commercials any longer.  Maybe depression will leave me if I stop making it so welcome.  I miss the person I used to be.  What a waste it is not to enjoy this beautiful life I have.

Does the robin wonder if she should sing or does she just do it because that's what robins do?  Does the robin ever feel sluggish and just stay in her nest all day long?  Sure the robin has work to do in building and maintaining a nest, looking for food, laying and hatching eggs but when she's not working what is she doing?  How unfortunate it would be for her not to explore and enjoy the world around her.

It's been a long winter and I'm delighted that the robins are back ~ so nice to see them, so nice to hear them.   Welcome back my friends.  I missed you.

2000 years of bad press

While I was on vacation, I decided I wanted to learn about my name sake Cleopatra so I read the book by Stacy Schiff, Cleopatra A Life.

As the young powerful ruler of Egypt, she was labeled the "wickedest woman in history" partially because of her perceived manipulation of two very powerful leaders, Caesar and Antony, but also because of her extensive wealth and decadence and the decisions she made during her reign.

I believe Cleopatra is misunderstood and the victim of 2000 years of bad press, a woman ruling in a man's world.  She didn't do any thing any more "wicked" then any male ruler of the time but because she was a woman she stood out and was judged much too harshly.  I see Cleopatra as a clever and ingenious survivor.  She spoke nine languages, traveled all over the world and led Egypt for twenty years, starting when she was just 19 years old.  I appreciate her tenacity; she came up with one crazy scheme after another and maneuvered her way through all kinds of ridiculous situations.

I doubt anyone really knows the truth about this elusive woman, probably one of the most talked about woman in history.  Based on the perspective presented in this book, I can't help but admire her ~ she lived and died on her own terms.  Was Cleopatra the queen of denial?  She certainly didn't deny herself power, wealth, extravagance or love;  however she clearly denied the status quo and persevered until she got what she wanted.  Even thousands of years later, Cleopatra's loves and life continues to enthrall us ~ she's given people through the ages lots to talk about.