Defying Gravity

 Everyone deserves the chance to fly!

This weekend we went to see the Broadway Musical 'Wicked' as part of my plan to add more enjoyment into life.  It was such a great play and there is something really special about sharing these experiences with my daughter and creating forever memories.   

I think the song "Defying Gravity" could be my daughter's theme song ~ it is about taking chances and not playing by the rules of someone else's game or accepting limits.  I admire that about her.  From a mother's perspective, it can be scary sometimes but I still think it's much better than living life in fear and not taking chances.  She's only nineteen years old and already she has participated in a 6-month volunteer program; she has traveled to many areas of Canada as well as South America, the United Kingdom and Europe.  Her world is so different than mine was when I was that age.  

Sometimes it seems like our roles are reversed because it feels like I learn more from her than she could ever learn from me.  Who knows, maybe some day I too will try defying gravity?  It's not too late even for me.  Certainly I am blessed beyond words to have her in my life and all I ever hope for is for her to be happy and have all she's ever wanted. 

♪ I hope you're happy right now ♪

 

Closing for Restoration

These past few months I have felt like I'm unraveling and I don't really know why.  It seems to me that I have been in survival mode for so long, doing superficial type "upkeep" but the damage caused from the trials and tribulations of life is severe, perhaps unrepairable.

It makes me think of a house that has suffered fires, floods, wind storms, wear and tear.  The house has aged more than it should for it's years but it has also endured more.  From the outside everything looks okay; certainly the surface work done has kept it presentable, mostly to avoid complaints from the neighbors.  The debris has been removed, walls have been painted, floors have been covered over, weeds have been killed and the lawn has been mowed.

 Underneath all of that, who really knows how bad it is.  What's the condition of the plumbing and wiring?  Are there cracks in the foundation?  Is it even worse than that; has toxic mould spread throughout?  The true damage is really unknown to the casual observer.

How important is the truth really?  Can a person indefinitely hide what's really going on underneath that tough exterior that they've worked so hard to achieve?  I have a lot of questions and very few answers.


Some time ago a random message was sent to me via facebook; a daily truth from the Brave Girls Club.  Starting with "Dear Weary Girl ... " and ending with "Everything is going to be okay, it really is.  You are going to make it.".  Whoever wrote this message knows me, I don't know how they know me but they do and their messages reach my heart.  I was so positively affected by it that I signed up for the daily emails.

From there I found a course offered on the same website called Soul Restoration and it was like they were describing me and my worn down house that I had been imagining over the past few months.  I procrastinated for a few weeks but today I finally signed up.  I believe this was sent to me for a reason, I simply don't believe in coincidences ... not to this extent.  I do feel totally disconnected and beyond repair.  I don't necessarily believe that a six week course can restore my soul but I'm willing to try.  I am joining the brave girls and I am closing for restoration.

Wish me luck!

Versatile Blogger Award

 The rules of the Versatile Blogger Award are:
 
*Thank the person who gave you the award and link back to them in your post.

*Tell us seven things about yourself.

*Award fifteen recently discovered new bloggers. 


 I am very honored to receive this award from Busy Mama.   Thank you for reading my blog and for providing me with encouragement and feedback.


Seven Random Things about Me (no particular order):

7. I am a self-professed nerd.  I love to read and learn.  If I'm going to do something, I want to do it well ~ with perfection if possible:)  When I am interested in or fascinated by something, I want to research or study it in pain-staking detail.

6. I love coffee and candy.

5. I am color-blind.

4. I have been single for so long now that I can't even remember what it feels like to be in a relationship.  I'm mostly okay with that; relationships scare me.

3. Chinese Astrology fascinates me, I'm not sure why.  I first started studying it on a beach in Mexico a few years ago.  I was born in the year of the metal dog ~ it makes sense to me or it helps me make sense of me I guess.

2. I used to think I was a reluctant extrovert but I have learned that I am actually an introvert.  I enjoy time with friends and social gatherings but it drains my energy. I need lots of time to myself and am only truly refreshed by alone time. 

1. Authentic relationships are the main priority in my life.  I treasure friends and family who are loyal, sincere and genuine. 

I really have not read enough blogs to have15 bloggers to pass this on to but I do follow six blogs that are very deserving of this award:

1. Of course I have to pass it back to Busy Mama for Wendy Can't Cook.
 
2. Busy Mama's has another blog Who Took My Last Cup of Coffee.  It's just real writing about real feelings and real life.  One of my favorite posts is Broken Homes and Fairy Tales.  Check it out!

3. A Gorgeous Life Happiness 101 for Perfectionists is such a great blog.  It's refreshing, upbeat and sure to entertain you.

4. If you want to try some amazing German recipes from an amazing German woman check out Black Forest News.

5. I was introduced to Brene Brown via a facebook link to one of her videos.  She speaks of the value of mindfulness, authenticity and vulnerability.  If you want to be inspired, check out her blog Ordinary Courage.  I especially encourage you to read her post on Authenticity.

6. I just recently started following a blog  Life is Beautiful written by an amazing woman who writes from her heart. 

I really enjoy writing my blog, it has proven to be a great outlet for expressing my feelings and life experiences.  I have also found that through this blog I have connected with some pretty amazing people as well ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

Virtually There

Our world has changed dramatically with every person having internet access at our fingertips.

Social media in particular has changed our lives.  It's so amazing how we can virtually know people all over the world without ever leaving the comfort or safety of our own homes.

I have found that genuine human connections can be found through the magic of facebook ~ where people join pages for shared goals or ideas, mostly with no intention of ever physically meeting.

One miserable day when I was googling "can't cope", "hopeless" "my life is chaos", I stumbled across Flylady.net Your personal online coach to help you gain control.  She helped me baby step my way through the days and slowly develop routines and start to feel like life was more manageable.  A year or so later, I found flylady on facebook.  I thought that I found here an alternate way to access this household management program but instead what I found was love, support, encouragement and some of the most amazing women I've ever known.

I look forward to catching up with my flysisters and I genuinely care about how they are doing.  I am happy to offer my encouragement and delighted to receive their encouragement in return.  So how can this be?  How can I feel so connected to these women I've never met?  We share a lot of our lives, perhaps we allow ourselves to be more vulnerable and open from behind the keyboard.  I know that can be more difficult in face-to-face situations where you can't simply shut down and walk away when you want to.  Through the flylady facebook page, I have found genuine human connections that I cherish.  Isn't that amazing!

This blog has been another outlet for me to express my true feelings and I have been simply blown away by the response.  Friends can read my blog and be virtually connected to me even when the craziness of life doesn't always permit them to physically be here.  Family members can get to know me from afar.  It makes me happy when friends and family take time to read my blog and give me feedback.  I guess it helps validate my feelings and this form of expression.  One of the biggest complements I've had is "you inspire me".  Me? Inspiring?  It's such a relief to know that people can not only accept but they can appreciate all that I think and feel.

The truly unexpected yet amazing part though is when a connection is made with a virtual friend or even a virtual stranger.  I am unbelievably touched when someone I've never met, responds with "hugs" or messages me "I know exactly how you feel" or sends me a link because they think I will benefit from it's wisdom.

I feel blessed by many people in my life.  Some of them, I do not see and I may never meet them but without question, they are virtually there.  Thank you❤

I'm loving angels instead

Saturday mornings I always looked forward to talking to my sister.  She was the one person in the world that I could actually talk to about anything.  We would talk about our lives ~ work, relationships, friendships, family, psychology, physiology, life, death, joy, pain ... anything really.

Today is Saturday and I really wish I could talk to her.  There is so much going on in my life and I feel lost; I miss her a lot.  She was such a big part of my life, I guess it would be strange if I didn't miss her.  I was cleaning house and listening to music when the song by Robbie Willams came on "Angels".  The song is about the thoughts that loved ones that have passed on come back and take care of us.

I wonder what Debbie would tell me if she were here.  I wonder if she is here with me somehow, looking after me ... like she always tried to do.

♪And through it all she offers me protection
A lot of love and affection
Whether I'm right or wrong

And down the waterfall
Wherever it may take me
I know that life won't break me

When I come to call she won't forsake me ♪

... I'm loving angels instead

The calm after the riot

I'm in Vancouver on business this week coincidentally arriving the day of the 7th game of the Stanley Cup playoffs. What I really wanted to do was hide in my room but instead I decided to embrace the moment and join in on the excitement. I went about half hour before the game started, there was definite excitement in the air. Everyone stood and sang the national anthem, it was really quite touching. Hard to imagine that these will be the same people completely trashing the city in short order.

Watching the game at Canada Place with thousands of people was quite the experience. It was interesting to witness the growing frustration and gang mentality that was developing as the game progressed. Near the end of the second period, the vast majority of the crowd was shouting out "boston sucks" and buzz of the rioting to follow was already starting. Why is it that people think rioting is an acceptable response to losing a game? It is still a game after all isn't it? Immediately after the game, downtown Vancouver did not feel like a safe place to be. Part of me wanted to stick around to see chaos continue to unfold but the risk manager in me decided the wisest move would be to return to the safety of my hotel room.

This morning I woke up early and went for a walk back to Canada Place. It's a beautiful morning here in Vancouver, the sun is shining and the brisk morning air feels good as I walk and think ~ enjoying the calm after the riot. The crowds have all gone home, or to jail and peace has been thankfully restored.

I've been reading about reactive patterns in every day life. Aaron McNaught has written a book called 'Waking Up to the Heart of Care'. He says each person has their own triggers that cause us to react with distorted meaning, intense emotions and impulsive actions. An important part of opening your heart is recognizing what your triggers are and then manage your patterns with 4-steps (1) Attention = mental response of being entirely in the present moment (2) Breathe = breathe through the emotions & allow them to dissipate naturally rather than resisting them (3) Relax = physical response (4) Allow = recognize the moment just as it is, without your belief that it should be otherwise. Obviously this would take a lot of practice but I think the advice is practical and I want to try it.

In thinking about my triggers of fear, rejection and critism; they seem cliché but yet I know they are real and my reactions to these feeling can be very dramatic. Imagine there is an
alternative to the way for me to live my life. Imagine there is a healthier way of processing and managing my emotions. I'm starting to feel more optimistic about this next phase of my life. I am looking forward to continuing to enjoy the calm after the riot.

Reasonable doubt

Trust is a difficult thing for me.  I don't trust people very easily and I don't often give the benefit of the doubt.  When it is reasonable to doubt a friend?  An outright lie makes it easy but what about an omission?  Omissions make me extremely suspicious, especially when I follow the path of omissions and they lead me to that scary placed filled with reasonable doubt.

When I was in high school I had only one friend, Charlotte.  I had transferred from private to public school and moved to a small town where everyone had been together since Kindergarten.  I felt like an alien, I didn't fit in, I didn't understand their world.  I was endlessly bullied and harassed but I did have this one friend and she stood by me even though it clearly wasn't cool to do so.  I looked up to Charlotte, she WAS cool and we were inseparable.  We spent all out time together.  We talked about anything and everything.  We even got our first boyfriends around the same time, lost our virginities around the same time and both moved away from home the summer before grade 12.  Our plan was to move in with our boyfriends and have this "couple" friendship.

Well Charlotte moved in with that first boyfriend who she soon married and had a child with.  I deviated from the plan and moved out on my own.  We grew apart for a period of time but happily found our way back to our "couple" plan two short years later when my daughter was born and we lived in the same apartment complex.  Over time I developed doubts and suspicions about Charlotte.  She was too flirtatious with my boyfriend but I convinced myself that I was simply insecure and jealous.  Unfortunately I was right to distrust her and I was crushed when she proved herself to be the person I secretly feared she was.

Why did this girl who faithfully stood by me in high school betray me now?  I've never been able to understand and I never gave her the opportunity to explain because for me, there was no acceptable explanation and the friendship was over.  Just two years ago, I got a phone call from her sister, she was asking me to attend Charlotte's funeral.   I said I would go, I wanted to go but I didn't want to go and ultimately I did not go. 

Forget about high school; fast forward a million years ... well maybe not a million, about 20 years actually, but it feels like a million.  I'm not the same geeky social misfit with just one friend; I'm funny girl ~ not everybody's friend but I have a few precious friends.  I select my friends carefully; I treasure loyalty and trust.  I have one close friend who I spend a significant amount of time with and lately I have had trouble trusting her.  It's nothings she does or says but it's the occasional thing that she fails to say that causes me worry.  I don't know for sure whether she is being haunted by Charlotte's ghost or if she will also prove herself to be the person I secretly fear she is.  Is history repeating itself OR am I foolishly ruining a friendship over historical insecurities and doubts?

It feels like we had this strong connection and unbelievable friendship but there have been things here and there along the way that have stirred fears and anxieties within me: nothing big, nothing earth shattering but nagging doubts. I'm trying to practice loving with my whole heart but I haven't been, not in this friendship.  If she's worthy of trust than I am certainly not being the friend SHE deserves.  Is the friendship wrinkled like the paper or broken like the glass?

I like things to be clear cut: black or white, right or wrong, yes or no.  I don't like living with doubt, whether its unreasonable or reasonable, it doesn't feel good.  As I sit here, there's a voice telling me that the easiest thing in the world would be to write this friendship off and walk away, just cut my losses.  There's another voice, an unfamiliar voice of reason, telling me that real long-lasting friendships are not easy because people are complicated ~ we all have stuff going on in our lives ~we are all burdened by our baggage that we carry ~we are all imperfect. 

I am going to take a chance.  I am going to keep my heart open to this friend.  And I am going to work on being the best friend I can be.  Maybe I will get hurt, I guess there is always that chance, but then again maybe I won't.  Maybe this friendship will be worth it and I won't know unless I try.

"The truth is rarely pure and never simple".  Oscar Wilde