Wednesday, 8 June 2011
Why did this girl who faithfully stood by me in high school betray me now? I've never been able to understand and I never gave her the opportunity to explain because for me, there was no acceptable explanation and the friendship was over. Just two years ago, I got a phone call from her sister, she was asking me to attend Charlotte's funeral. I said I would go, I wanted to go but I didn't want to go and ultimately I did not go.
It feels like we had this strong connection and unbelievable friendship but there have been things here and there along the way that have stirred fears and anxieties within me: nothing big, nothing earth shattering but nagging doubts. I'm trying to practice loving with my whole heart but I haven't been, not in this friendship. If she's worthy of trust than I am certainly not being the friend SHE deserves. Is the friendship wrinkled like the paper or broken like the glass?
I like things to be clear cut: black or white, right or wrong, yes or no. I don't like living with doubt, whether its unreasonable or reasonable, it doesn't feel good. As I sit here, there's a voice telling me that the easiest thing in the world would be to write this friendship off and walk away, just cut my losses. There's another voice, an unfamiliar voice of reason, telling me that real long-lasting friendships are not easy because people are complicated ~ we all have stuff going on in our lives ~we are all burdened by our baggage that we carry ~we are all imperfect.
I am going to take a chance. I am going to keep my heart open to this friend. And I am going to work on being the best friend I can be. Maybe I will get hurt, I guess there is always that chance, but then again maybe I won't. Maybe this friendship will be worth it and I won't know unless I try.
"The truth is rarely pure and never simple". Oscar Wilde